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Inexperienced writers tend to
use longer, more complex
sentences because they think
they demonstrate intelligence.
In contrast, strong writers know
that a point is most forceful
when it is conveyed concisely
and directly. Although the
purpose of this section is to
teach you to improve your
sentence variety, we also want
you to be aware that simplicity
should be your ultimate goal.
Sophisticated thoughts will
require complex sentences, but
you should never complicate a
simple idea for the sake of
creating more intricate
sentences.
Does this mean that the best
essay will consist of all simple
sentences? Of course not. We
stress this point only because
most people have a tendency to
start with sentences that are
more complex than necessary,
because ideas do not formulate
themselves in our minds in the
clearest, most direct structure.
The best-written essays will
feature steady variation in
sentence length-but with no
sentences forced into a more
complex mode.
Simplifying
The first step in simplifying is
to identify what needs to be
fixed. The problem usually comes
from trying to cram too many
points into one sentence and
using too many auxiliary
clauses. Consider the following
two sets of examples:
Before: To this
program I will bring a
determined spirit, coupled
with a strong background in
research and volunteer work,
which I pursued with energy
and a focus on the future
that grows ever closer to
being within reach.
After: I have pursued
all my research and
volunteer work with
relentless energy and clear
focus. To this program I
will bring the same sense of
determination that has made
my once distant goals now
close within my reach.
The
total word count remains the
same, but the ideas are now much
clearer and more fully fleshed
out.
Before: Having long
been interested in a career
in social work, which will
allow to combine my
analytical thinking skills
with the pursuit of social
justice, I now feel that I
have accumulated the
necessary experience and
education to begin a formal
pursuit in this field, with
ABC college offering the
best curriculum for my
needs.
After: A career in
social work will allow me to
combine my analytical
thinking skills with the
pursuit of social justice.
Having accumulated the
necessary experience and
education, I now look
forward to pursuing my
long-held interest at ABC
college, which offers the
best curriculum for my
needs.
Oversimplified: A
career in social work will
allow me to combine my
analytical thinking skills
with the pursuit of social
justice. I have accumulated
the necessary experience and
education. I now look
forward to pursuing my
long-held interest at ABC
college. ABC college offers
the best curriculum for my
needs.
The
second version still includes a
complex sentence, but separating
out one clause makes the ideas
much clearer. We are not
advocating the extreme
simplicity of the third version.
It is oversimplified not only
because it sounds choppy, but
because it has removed certain
textual relationships that were
in the original-most
importantly, "Having
accumulated. . .I now look
forward."
Varying Constructions
Sentence variety is not just a
matter of length: A well-paced
piece of writing will vary its
sentence constructions as well.
Everyone can recognize what is
wrong with the following:
Most
people, however, would write
something like the following
without realizing their error:
-
Having entered the room, I
saw the patient look up at
me. Sensing his discomfort,
I tried to ease his concerns
by greeting him with a
smile. Appreciating my
gesture, he responded with
glowing eyes.
Every sentence starts with a
present participle (a verb + "ing"
--> adjective), followed by the
subject and the predicate. The
following is an improved
version:
-
I saw the patient look up as
I entered the room. Sensing
his discomfort, I tried to
ease his concerns by
greeting him with a smile.
Although his brightening
eyes showed that he
appreciated my gesture, pain
prevented him from
responding any further.
The
first sentence now starts with
the subject, and the third
sentence introduces a new kind
of dependent clause with the
conjunction "although."
If
you have trouble finding ways to
vary your sentence
constructions, try some of the
following basic ideas:
1. Combine two short sentences
into one compound sentence:
2. Use prepositional phrases,
making sure to vary their
location:
-
"With only an hour left to
finish, I knew I had to
focus."
-
"I knew I had to focus, with
only an hour left to
finish."
3. Use the many conjunctions
available to you-however, when,
while, as, because, for, since,
although, though-and vary their
location:
-
"When we arrived, I knew we
were too late to stop the
fight."
-
"We watched in disbelief,
though we longed to
intervene in some way."
4. Use participles and gerunds
(a verb + "ing"):
-
"Facing great risks, he
nevertheless accepted the
challenge without
hesitation."
-
"Working at an immigration
law firm has given me
firsthand knowledge of the
struggles people face in
settling here."
Using just these basic tools,
you can create a powerful and
engaging piece of writing. The
key is to keep changing your
constructions so each sentence
sounds fresh and new. |
